In a move more baffling than telling a cat not to drink milk, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security has officially washed its hands of Florida’s newly minted Everglades immigration camp—just as the first charter plane disgorged hundreds of migrants into its 3,000‑capacity tent and trailer city.
Call it the biggest game of “Not It!” since your toddler smeared peanut butter on the remote.
“Florida Did It All by Themselves!”
In a court filing so fulsome it could inflate a football, DHS attorneys insisted they “neither funded nor authorized” the center at the Dade‑Collier Training and Transition Airport. Even though Governor DeSantis’s comms guru Bryan Griffin had confidently told reporters DHS set the arrival timetable and oversaw operations alongside the Florida Division of Emergency Management (FDEM).
Griffin’s previous claim that FDEM ran the show with “federal oversight” now sounds like memorized lines from the worst buddy cop movie ever.
Dem Lawmakers Denied: “No Peeking Allowed!”
A gaggle of Democratic lawmakers—including Sens. Carlos Guillermo Smith and Shevrin Jones, and Reps. Michele Rayner, Angie Nixon, and Anna Eskamani—ventured to inspect the site Thursday only to be met by the stern-faced equivalent of a “No Soliciting” sign.
Their outrage was rapid-fire:
“This is a blatant abuse of power and an attempt to conceal human rights violations,” they fumed in unison, probably rethinking their college majors.
Public Bravado vs. Legal Hocus‑Pocus
Meanwhile, in public, President Donald Trump was merrily boasting about FEMA’s “free luxury hotel rooms” cash—“We took the FEMA money that Joe Biden allocated”—to bankroll what he dubbed “Alligator Alcatraz.”
Yet back in court, DHS and ICE counsel declared Florida had “received no federal funds, nor applied for them,” and that judges should refrain from adjudicating “hypothetical future funding”—a line likely to thrill lawyers and confuse accountants.
Environmentalists Cry Foul
Environmental groups Friends of the Everglades and the Center for Biological Diversity have filed suit, arguing the eco‑nightmare never got its federally mandated environmental review or a single “public comment”—unless you count stunned locals muttering “What have you done to our swamp?”
Their lawyer, Elise Bennett, lamented that the feds’ filing was “bemusing,” given the public parade of Trump‑DeSantis bromance.
“Their fingerprints are all over this project,” she sniffed, likely checking her gloves for gator goo.
ICE’s “Tiny Role”
An ICE official testified the agency merely inspected the site for compliance and had some operational powwows with state honchos.
Think of it as popping by to say, “Nice tent work!” before heading back to your real job: overflowing detention centers where 56,397 migrants sat as of mid‑June, well above the 41,500 they’re funded to hold.
Alligator Alcatraz: Built in 8 Days!
Remarkably, the “camp” sprouted in a mere eight days, courtesy of a January 2023 emergency declaration against “illegal immigration.”
And while five people tragically died in ICE custody in Florida this year, the DeSantis chorus insists this “one‑stop deportation shop” will save the day—just as long as neither the state nor the feds gets blamed when things go sideways.
Conclusion: Who’s in Charge?
So here we are:
Florida claims federal backing, the feds claim none, Democrats demand oversight, and environmentalists demand answers—while migrants stare at color‑coded tents wondering if they’ve booked a very wrong Airbnb!
If only someone would answer one simple question: Who’s minding the alligator pit?
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