DOUBLE JEOPARDY = Damned if you Do or Don't!!

HOLLYWOOD — In classic South Park fashion, creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone just dropped a more blunt bombshell than Cartman’s farts: Paramount Global’s pending merger with Skydance Media has turned out to be a monumental “s–tshow,” and it’s royally “f–king up South Park.”  Their fury comes hot on the heels of Comedy Central’s announcement that Season 27’s premiere has been bumped from July 9 to July 23, prompting Parker and Stone to issue their own scathing press release. “In response to the press release from Comedy Central about the change in premiere date for South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone said: ‘This merger is a s–tshow and it’s f–king up South Park. We are at the studio working on new episodes and we hope the fans get to see them somehow.’” Merger Mayhem So, what’s behind this corporate dumpster fire?  Paramount Global (Comedy Central’s parent) is in the throes of marrying Skydance Media—a union so awkward even Victoria ain’t invited.  The deal, ...

Ernest Hemingway once hit us square in the feels when he wrote, “The hardest lesson I have had to learn as an adult is the relentless need to keep going, no matter how broken I feel inside.”  If you’ve ever stared down at an empty coffee cup at 6 a.m. wondering how long it will take for your will to start your daily routine to brew, congratulations—you’re officially initiated into the Hemingway School of Relentless Endurance. Lesson One: There Is No Pause Button Childhood told us stories where dragons were slain by lunchtime and heartbreak patched up by a single ice cream cone. Everything always had a happy ending by the time the last chapter ended. But real life doesn’t come with neat chapter breaks. There is no intermission for healing , no “commercial break” to apply emotional Band‑Aids.  Bills don’t care if you’re sobbing into Taco Tuesday leftovers.  The laundry grows quantum‑tangled by the minute.  Even your houseplants judge you for missing another watering d...

Move over, ‘Oumuamua—there’s a new cosmic tourist in town, and it’s blazing through our neighborhood at a blistering 152,000 mph .  Astronomers have just spotted A11pl3Z , a mystery object hurtling toward the inner solar system with the cosmic equivalent of a blinking “Do Not Disturb” sign.  If confirmed, it’ll be only the third interstellar visitor ever recorded—so let’s roll out the red carpet (or red dwarf). “Too Fast for the Home Team” According to data collected between June 25 and June 29 by the Asteroid Terrestrial-impact Last Alert System (ATLAS)—the night-sky paparazzi with telescopes in Hawaii and South Africa—A11pl3Z was impossible to ignore.  Confirmed by NASA’s Center for Near Earth Object Studies and the International Astronomical Union’s Minor Planet Center on July 1, the object is likely a hefty asteroid or comet “potentially spanning up to 12 miles (20 kilometers).” “Beyond the Sun’s Gravitational Influence” “Based on A11pl3Z’s speed and trajectory, ...

Remember the days when you’d cram into a sticky booth at Chuck E. Cheese, juggling tokens while your kids squealed over skee-ball?  Good news: your playground just got a glow-up— Chuck’s Arcade is here, and it’s tailor-made for adults who can finally flaunt their Pac‑Man prowess without worrying about a tantrum over the last slice of pizza. “A Modern‑Day Love Letter” According to CEO David McKillips , Chuck’s Arcade is “a natural evolution” after sprucing up 500 kid‑centric locations.  He calls the spin‑off “a modern‑day love letter to the games and people who made Chuck E. Cheese great,” mixing retro gems like Donkey Kong and Mortal Kombat with contemporary hits like Halo and Connect Four Hoops .  Bonus: you can high‑five your inner eight‑year‑old without cleaning crumbs off your shirt. From Slingin’ Slices to Slingin’ Shots At ten malls nationwide—from St. Petersburg, Fla. to St. Louis —Chuck’s Arcade is popping off with bespoke artwork, neon‑lit consoles, and ...

LONDON — After ticking off everything from electric cars to eco-friendly corgis, King Charles III has now waved a cheery farewell to perhaps the most aristocratic commute of all: the Royal Train.  In a move that will delight penny‑pinching commoners and horrify railway nostalgists, Buckingham Palace announced Monday that the gilded suite of nine carriages dating back to Queen Victoria’s era will be decommissioned by 2027—smoking jacket and tiara not included. “In moving forwards we must not be bound by the past,” declared James Chalmers , the palace’s financial czar, at the annual royal finances briefing. “Just as so many parts of the royal household’s work have modernized and adapted to reflect the world of today, so too the time has come to bid the fondest of farewells, as we seek to be disciplined and forward‑looking in our allocation of funding.”   In other words, if Meghan and Harry can take the tube, so can Dad the King. A Suite of Sleeping Beauty Cars The Royal Tra...

MIAMI — In what can only be described as an over‑the‑top tutorial in airport protocol gone haywire, 21‑year‑old Aliyah Evans of Islamorada was arrested at Miami International Airport Tuesday morning after allegedly announcing, “I need children and women to leave and for men to stay,” all while brandishing what looked like a ticking time bomb on her cellphone. “Airport Drama Before Your Sunrise Coffee” At just before 6 a.m., bleary‑eyed JetBlue ticket‑counter regulars were treated to Evans’s impromptu one‑woman show.  Detectives say she dropped her carry‑on bag near the counters, held up her phone displaying a “clock timer,” and instructed the terminal’s female and juvenile patrons to evacuate—because, of course, when you’ve got an alleged bomb, it’s polite to let the boys take the first blast. Cue the Chaos Witnesses describe lane dividers crashing down like dominoes as Evans barreled toward Checkpoint E, leaving commuters clutching their boarding passes—and possibly their la...

LANSING, Mich. — If you’ve ever dreamed of finding your one true “twin flame,” you might want to swipe left on the online matchmaking gurus at Twin Flames Universe —at least until Attorney General Dana Nessel finishes rummaging through their love shack.  On Tuesday, Nessel announced that state and federal agents executed search warrants at two properties in Leelanau County linked to Jeff and Shaleia Divine , the star-crossed entrepreneurs who promise eternal romance—plus a side of “coercive control.” “We’re Investigating Coercive Control”—AG Nessel Nessel told reporters, “There are allegations that Twin Flames exerts ‘coercive control’ over its members across the U.S. through illegal acts.”  Translation: their “spiritual journey” might feel a bit like being stuck in a bad rom-com directed by a hall monitor. Swipe Right for Netflix, Swipe Left for Prime Twin Flames Universe isn’t exactly under the radar.  They earned their 15 minutes of fame (or infamy) via unflatter...

Hold onto your boarding passes, folks—there’s a new in‑flight entertainment, and it’s less “friendly skies” and more “unfriendly malware.”  The FBI just warned that the international cyber‑crooks known as Scattered Spider have spun their web over the airline industry.  Next time an agent fields a call from an airlines IT help desk for a password reset, they might be granting network keys to a bunch of digital eight‑legged fiends. “Scattered Spider Expands to Airlines” In a Friday alert, the FBI stated, “The FBI has recently observed the cybercriminal group Scattered Spider expanding its targeting to include the airline sector.”  Translation? If you’re a pilot, ticketing agent, or in-flight Wi‑Fi tech, your “username and password, please” might actually be a trapdoor to chaos. Social Engineering: The Spider’s Silk These aren’t your garden‑variety script kiddies.  Scattered Spider “rely on social engineering techniques, often impersonating employees or contractor...

In a plot twist no one saw coming—except maybe his defense team— Bryan Kohberger has agreed to plead guilty to all counts in the chilling 2022 slayings of four University of Idaho students, sparing himself the death penalty but trading it for the CSI: Maximum Security edition.  A letter from Latah County prosecutors landed in victims’ families’ inboxes this week, announcing that Kohberger will receive four consecutive life sentences for first-degree murder and 10 more years for burglary. “It’s our sincere attempt to seek justice for your family,” the letter blandly assures the bereaved. “This agreement ensures that the defendant will be convicted, will spend the rest of his life in prison, and will not be able to put you…through decades of post-conviction appeals. ” Lawyers call that “efficiency”; families call it “surprise, and not the good kind.” Surprise—And a Dash of Rushed Justice The Goncalves family erupted in fury, lambasting the Latah County Prosecutor’s Office for t...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congratulations, you’ve just won…nothing! Unless you count a random kitchen whisk or mismatched socks as a prize.  The U.S. Postal Service is waving a red flag at unsuspecting Americans: if you’ve received a mystery package, it might not be a gift—it could be a “brushing” scam designed to peddle your personal data like hotcakes. A "brushing scam" is an e-commerce fraud where a seller sends unsolicited packages to random addresses and then posts fake positive reviews of their products to boost their sales and ratings on online marketplaces.  These packages are sent to individuals who didn't order them, and often contain items like small, inexpensive products.   “Treat Your Personal Information Like Cash” “Brushing scams occur when a customer receives unsolicited packages containing low-cost items like household goods,” U.S. Postal Inspector Kelly McNulty warned on KOB 4 News .  These parcels—be it a keychain, some novelty socks, or a silicone ba...