Welcome to “Alligator Alcatraz”: Florida’s Swampy New Detention “Resort”

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TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Forget luxury hotels and beachfront cabanas—Florida officials have just unveiled the state’s most exclusive getaway: “Alligator Alcatraz,” a brand-new immigration detention facility nestled in the mosquito, python and gator-infested wetlands of the Everglades. 

It’s like Glamping…if you’re into heavy-duty tents, FEMA trailers, and the occasional live alligator sighting outside your window.

Constructed on a disused Everglades airfield about 45 miles west of downtown Miami, the facility boasts a runway longer than the world’s tallest building is high (10,500 feet!), making it perfect for both swift deportation flights and awkward mid-detention runway marches. 

Florida Attorney General James Uthmeier is the mastermind behind the plan to crank out 5,000 detention beds by early July.

“We don’t need to build a lot of brick and mortar,” Uthmeier told conservative commentator Benny Johnson. “And thankfully, Mother Nature does a lot on the perimeter.” 

Indeed, he points proudly to the gator-laced swamplands as the world’s best natural security system: “There’s really nowhere to go. If you’re housed there, if you’re detained there, there’s no way in, no way out.” He also said the facility is intended to be temporary.

Although it is a cost-efficient way to construct a large facility quickly; Human-rights advocates, environmentalists and anyone who remembers the beginnings of the Chrome Detention facility are alarmed. 

Friends of the Everglades, an advocacy group, issued a statement reminding officials that this isn’t some unused patch of gravel—it’s part of “one of the most fragile ecosystems in the country.” They warned, “Let’s not repeat the mistakes of the past. This land deserves lasting protection.”

And lest you think “Alligator Alcatraz” is merely a state-side stunt, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is fully on board. 

DHS Secretary Kristi Noem praised the project as part of FEMA’s Shelter and Services Program, quipping, “We are working at turbo speed on cost-effective and innovative ways to deliver on the American people’s mandate for mass deportations of criminal aliens.” 

Judging by the speed of construction, it seems they meant “turbo” literally— tents and trailers assembled at breakneck pace, all while local wildlife probably wonders what the racket is all about.

Meanwhile, Florida Democratic U.S. Rep. Maxwell Frost was less enthusiastic. 

He condemned the facility, sarcastically dubbing the gators “security consultants” and branding the whole enterprise a “cruel spectacle.” 

In his statement, Frost didn’t hold back: 

“Donald Trump, his Administration, and his enablers have made one thing brutally clear: they intend to use the power of government to kidnap, brutalize, starve, and harm every single immigrant they can — because they have a deep disdain for immigrants and are using them to scapegoat the serious issues facing working people.”

That is harsh critique but it hasn’t slowed down the construction crews, though. 

Financing comes courtesy of FEMA reimbursements—$245 per bed per day, totaling roughly $450 million annually.

The cost, as one unnamed U.S. official noted, “will be incurred by Florida and reimbursed by FEMA.”

Land acquisition was equally dramatic. 

Gov. DeSantis invoked state emergency powers—originally intended for hurricanes—to seize Miami-Dade–owned Everglades parcels, despite protests from County Mayor Daniella Levine Cava and Native American tribal leaders who call the land sacred. 

A DeSantis spokesperson defended the move as necessary to “facilitate the federal government in enforcing immigration law,” promising, “Florida will continue to lead on immigration enforcement.”

So, illegals seeking a swamp-side vacation with complimentary headcounts and nightly gator serenades, look no further than Alligator Alcatraz. 

Just don’t forget your insect repellent—and maybe a band-aid or two.

The facility is due to open next month.

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#AlligatorAlcatraz
#SwampDetention
#FEMAFlamingos
#GatorSecurity
#DetentionResort
#TurboSpeedDeportations
#SwampStay
#NatureIsThePerimeter
#DeSantisDoings
#FrostVsGators
#EcoHeist
#FEMAFun
#PythonPatrol
#MosquitoMayhem

#FloridaFlap 

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